you call me cuz i won't get around to calling you...
call me, I won't call you.
we all have friends like this. those who we believe to be our close friends but who are, in actuality, merely relationships of convenience. one-sided relationships, where i feel like an anxious child awaiting approval, we've all had them.
we do things together but only if i call. times together are good, but you can't help but feel a bit powerless. after all, the relationship seems to mean more to you than it does to them. you are careful not to hurt their feelings, they seem to care less about yours. token gestures abound, but you are left with a lingering feeling that if you didn't call them, you would never hear from them again... unless they needed something.
much of life seems to be like this. most of us are a bundle of insecurities, constantly wondering if we are loved. we all have relationships we feel invested in, but which don't seem to satisfy. it is part of being human.
I often marvel at how my spiritual life keeps me sane in a world where relationships are so tenuous. in spite of the oft feelings that my spiritual journey is shunted or shallow, it continues to provide an anchor and a hope in the midst of the normalcy of human disappointment. as the book says, in the end our hope is not built on flighty feelings but solid foundations. I often forget that.
i also need to constantly remind myself that my mom thinks i'm pretty ok. it's easy to run for approval to others in order to fill the holes in our heart. holes that i have found the hard way, cannot be filled in by any amount of human acceptance. there are many people who love me, many who love you too. it's easy to forget that. it's even easier to diminish it's importance.
as for a couple of friendships where i find myself needy and approval seeking - i think i'm going to let them go. chasing after friendships is an easy way for me to feel pretty crappy about myself and frankly, though it's hard to admit it, they just aren't worth it. i think i'll just take a deep breath and say that again to myself, maybe until i believe it... "they just aren't...
I think Scott's post is a great commentary on where we are today. Relationships seem so temporary, and require such an incredible amount of time to keep going. When I joined the Air Force in 2002 I noticed that for the first couple of years the friends that kept in touch dwindled down to just a couple. Now I can truly say that I only have 3 or 4 good friends left after being gone form La Crescenta for over 22 years. The good news is that some of my old friends, like my old buddy Mark, are now coming back into my life. Scott's post is a good one for someone who is going home on vacation to think about how we prioritize and triage relationships. I'll be going home on vacation next week and I will be selective about who I spend my time with. Maybe those 3 or 4 old friends and a couple more will be it.
Scott's weblog is very thought provoking and I highly recommend it for anyone reading my blurbs. It will cause you to re-think many of your time trusted views on life.
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